New Zealand Given 24 Hours To Dismantle Nuclear Weapons

Friday Satire for 27/6/2025

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Washington 9 am EST

At this morning’s White House Press Conference Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced that President Trump had given New Zealand 24 hours to shut down all its nuclear research facilities and surrender all its nuclear weapons or face the consequences.

Mr Trump had taken this action, Leavitt said, after Defence Secretary Hegseth advised him the island nation was harbouring individuals engaged in the very dangerous activity of splitting atoms.

Asked by a reporter what evidence the President had for the accusation, Leavitt said her understanding was that Defence Secretary Hegseth had uncovered New Zealand’s clandestine nuclear programme during a routine AI Chatbot inquiry into the safest place on Earth to build a doomsday bunker.

” It revealed that a Mr E. Rutherford, formerly of Nelson, was not only heading up the Pacific nation's atom splitting programme, but that he was blatantly printing money to finance his operation” Leavitt said, while holding up one of the rogue scientist’s fake notes.

Mr Trump later spoke to reporters in the Rose garden. He said he had just seen a Fox news item about how this Kiwi scientist guy was using home- made equipment to split atoms and this was a very worrying.” I mean look at it!” he said, holding up an A1 sized photo allegedly of Rutherford’s laboratory.

“I mean..the news of this DIY atom splitting thing has caused the share price on whole sized atoms to crash .Wall Street is already predicting a world-wide recession because New Zealand will be undercutting our own atom splitters. That’s why I have taken decisive action. ”

Adjusting his “Make America Grate Again “ cap ( and no it’s not a typo) President Trump said,

“ If New Zealand does not immediately cease and desist in this bad behaviour.. and I mean it’s bad, very bad..it’s the baddest..then I will put a 1000 % tariff on anything with the name Kiwi in it - Kiwi fruit, Kiwi boot polish and Kiwianna ( whoever she is!) You name it!”

Mr Trump said while he doesn’t spend a lot of time studying what is happening in the Pacific he was concerned about what might happen to that ocean if New Zealand perfected its bomb.

“ I mean it’s a big ocean..I’ve seen it ..it’s very big..the biggest ..in fact I think we should call it the American Ocean. After all, it’s off one of our beautiful shores isn’t it…and if this Rutherford guy and his DIY bomb caused an explosion that took out all of his country and maybe a lot of Australia…there would be a hole.. a very big hole.. I mean believe me it would make a really big hole in that ocean… Then what would happen to all that water ? ? It would drain into the centre of the earth .… and my..sorry..OUR.. beautiful beach front properties in Florida and Malibu would be left high and dry.”

Speaking later on Fox and Friends Trump said:

“I’ve just spoken with New Zealand Prime Minister Luxon..it was a good conversation , the best, I would say .. it was the most perfect conversation… and he assured me that Mr Rutherford was dead. I think their special forces took him out or something , I’m not sure of the details . Anyway, Prime Minister Luxon tells me this atom splitting guy’s equipment has been dismantled and packed up in a suitcase that is now aboard our biggest aircraft carrier the Gerald S Ford which is currently trying to leave their main port.. I believe it’s call Timaru.”

“When it returns paint crews are standing by to rename it The US Carrier Trump” he added. “We can’t have the biggest air craft carrier in the world named after some dead guy. …and another thing ..we’re going to buy New Zealand. They’ve got some great golf courses there.”

ENDS.

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