“1News Veron poll suggests Coalition would be out if election were held today. Christopher Luxon has also fallen further in the preferred prime minister stakes, at 23%, down 2%.” April 29th
FX: Phones rings. Receptionist answers.
Receptionist : Good morning. Helena Handcart Public Relations. How can I help you?
Luxon: (depressed sigh) Yes...it’s the Prime Minister here. Can I speak to Helena please?
Receptionist: Of course, Sir I’ll put you through.
FX:Click. Buzz. (Helena picks up the phone.)
Helena: (brightly) Prime Minister! Morēna! How are you on this lovely autumnal day?
Luxon: (grumpily) Have you seen the latest polls? How do you think I am?
Helena: Mmm...yes, not the best are they?
Luxon: Not the best? They’re disastrous! I’ve got Seymour sticking his tongue at me every time he goes past my door and Winston’s laughter is becoming unbearable …If this keeps up we won’t make it through the three years, never mind six! It’s awful! Just awful! What can I do?
(Helena rolls her eyes.)
Helena: Well, let’s just take a deep breath Prime Minister and work let’’s work our way through this little popularity issue shall we?….Am I hearing you say you feel your authority is being undermined?
Luxon: You do! You do!
Helena: OK then let’s just think about that. Can I ask you.Do you think you dress to lead?
Luxon: What do you mean?
Helena: Well the conventional suit...sometimes with the open neck white shirt.. doesn’t shout "Leadership!" does it…Doesn’t say "Look at me I’m the boss!" (pause) Have you considered wearing a military uniform?
Luxon: Huh?
Helena: I can just see you in a dark blue dress US Marine style uniform, lots of stars on the epaulettes, some medals on your chest.. and a peaked cap! Yes! A military cap with lots of braid. Veeeery impressive!
Luxon: (warming to the idea) Do you really think so?
Helena: Absolutely! I can give Hugo Boss a call today if you like. They’ve probably got some patterns left over from World War 2 lying around somewhere. We could do a photo shoot with you sitting in a tank!
Luxon: (really warming to the idea ) mmm…A military uniform?? It does have a nice right wing don’t-mess- with- me feel about it ..Let me chew that one over…I’m not sure we have a tank I’ll have to check… Any other ideas?
Helena: Um...have you thought about getting a dog? Maybe a cute fluffy one. Lots of people like dogs and that liking factor would rub off on to you Prime Minister.
Luxon: Naw…Seymour and Bishop have done the dog thing. Didn’t lift their ratings.
Helena: OK well..how about a cat? Downing Street has a cat.
Luxon: No...there’s the wildlife thing...Cats have had a bit of bad press lately. I don’t need that kind of rub off.
(Pause as Helena thinks.)
Helena: (slowly) What...about...a bird?
Luxon: You mean like a budgie? I quite like budgies. Maybe we could ask our focus groups what they think about budgies.
Helena: Actually I was thinking maybe a parrot. A big colourful one that could sit on your shoulder and say witty things.
Luxon: Like what?
Helena: Oh I don’t know maybe.."Shut up Seymour" and "Warning! Warning! Here comes Winston!"
Luxon: (laughs) I like it!...(speaks as he makes some notes) Ok then, let's see....a blue military uniform..epaulettes with stars, military cap with braid...and a parrot for my shoulder...
Luxon: And you reckon that would get my ratings up?
Helena: I do.
Luxon: OK, I’ll think on it...um...just one last thing.
Helena: Yes?
Luxon: This Lux Flakes nickname for me that’s doing the rounds. What could you do to knock that on the head?
Helena: Well my best advice about how to defuse it Prime Minister would be to confront it.
Luxon: How do you mean?
Helena: Well Hipkins is known as Chippie and he embraces it… we could start calling you “Soapie”.
Luxon: (silence)
Helena: Or how about “Sudsie”
Luxon: (long pause) When does your agency’s contract come up for renewal Helena?
Helena: Election night two and a half years from now.
Luxon: (Deep sigh)
Click.
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Funny as we had been speculating about how spectacular Winston would look in one of those evil dictator uniforms. Luxon might be a bit like Goering, and Seymour would look at home popping out of a tank turret
That military uniform bit made laugh out loud.