FX:Ring ring
Operator: Complaints Department. How can I help you?
Voter: Yes, I’d like to return something please.
Operator: Ah ha…and what is it you would like to return?
Voter: The government.
Operator: Sorry?
Voter: The government. I bought it last October and I’d like to return it.
Operator: And why is that?
Voter: It’s not what I ordered.
Operator: I see. But you’ve had it for 7 months now. Why have you waited so long to lodge a complaint?
Voter : Well, it took a couple of months to assemble it.
Operator: Why was that?
Voter: Because there were no plans in the box and the bits didn’t really fit.
Operator: Can you describe the model you received?
Voter: Sure…it’s the 2023 model. It’s got a big blue bit in the middle with a couple of really small bits hanging of it - a yellow one and a black one,
Operator: And can you tell what those two smaller bits do?
Voter: Well, the yellow bit sucks all of the time and sometimes the black one blows before it sucks.
Operator: So, it’s not coordinated ?
Voter: Umm…no…and sometimes they both suck and then the blue thing in the middle makes this terrible high-pitched screaming noise.
Operator: I see …and…you say there are only three parts to it, yet you still found it hard to assemble?
Voter: Correct. It was only when I saw the hammer in the box that I figured it had to be bashed together.
Operator: Then what happened?
Voter: I plugged it in.
Operator: And?
Voter: Bloody thing took off! Made a hell of a mess! Couldn’t control it!
Operator: I see…
Voter: Look, the main thing is it doesn’t do what the advertising said it was going to do.
Operator: And what was that?
Voter: It was meant to produce a bright and wonderful future, instead it’s taking us backwards at a great speed of knots.
Operator: Have you tried unplugging it?
Voter: Yes, but it must have its own internal power supply I think, 'cos just keeps tearing up the good stuff and spreading bad stuff all over the place. I’m sick of it! I just want you to take it back.
Operator: Ok…if you just hold the line I will see if I can connect you with someone who can help you.
(Buzz buzz)
(Click)
Roaring sound of a huge blast furnace.
Voice: Hell – oh! Satan here (deep maniacal laugh on echo) What hellish problem can I help you with today?
Voter: (a bit taken back). Umm…Yes I’d like to return a faulty government please.
Satan: ( deep voice on echo) Is it, by any chance, the 2023 model with a big blue bit in the middle with some stroppy little yellow and black bits hanging on the sides?
Voter: Yes, how did you know?
Satan: (laughs) I invented it!
Voter: (frightened) OK…well…it’s faulty...it’s no use to me. What should I do with it?
Satan: Just pop it into the pit of politicians and in a couple of years I’ll
consign them to the Great Abyss for all eternity.
(Yet another meniacal laugh on echo ) Ha ha ha …
-Ends
Good morning from another early riser. I have never hoped for time to go by faster, but now I cannot wait for this term to be over.
I'm so pleased to have some satire in my life, thanks Bryan. Well written and entertaining, and sorely needed on a Friday which is pink T shirt day devoted to anti bullying - when most of us are being bullied by these clowns in one way or another!