Coalition Carols

Friday Satire 13/12/24

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Yes folks it’s that time of year again when we gather ‘round the Christmas tree and sing along to all those time- honoured carols you know so well. Everyone ready? Remember, these mood lifters work best if you don’t just read the lyrics but sing or hum along to them.

Ok, here we go..

To the tune of Away In A Manger

Away in Australia ,

And earning big bread,

New Zealand’s skilled craftsmen

Are getting ahead.

We say with a deep sigh,

”Will you come back here?”

They all shout with one cry,

”No bloody fear!”

To the tune of Santa Claus is coming to Town

You better not spend,

You’d better not try,

Unless you’re rich I’m telling you why,

Nicola is coming to town.

Verse 2

She’s making a list,

She’s checking it twice,

So listen up now and take my advice,

Nicola is coming to town.

Break

She panders to the wealthy

House taxes she will halt,

For in our land of plenty,

If you’re poor it’s your own fault

Verse 3

So, I’m leaving our shores

I’m saying good bye,

And since you ask I’m telling you why

Nicola has ruined my town.

To the tune of Mary’s Boy Child

Verse 1

Not long ago in Wellington ,

A recent budget say.

The rich can smile and have some fun

The poor can go away.

Verse 2

The Luxon plan is working fine

For I have heard them say

Cut off all the benefits

And come down hard on crime.”

Chorus

Hark! Today the Right Wing sing!

But it will be Okay.

Because these bastards will be gone

Come next Election Day!”

To the Tune Of Jingle Bells

Jingle Bells

David tells

Luxon what to do,

Ferries crash

And in a flash

Nic'las turning blue

Hey!

Back on track

Brains we lack

And we’re losing hair,

Wealth by stealth

Screw public health

We really just dont care

Hey!

Break

Leaving Well-ing-ton

In my Limosine

Counting untaxed gains

It really is obscene

A poor man comes in sight

But I vote on the Right

So out the window I shout out

Something really mean.

Hey!

Jingle Bells

David tells

Luxon what to do,

Winston laughs

And it’s all daft

In our ruling zoo.

To the Tune Of Good King Wenceslas

Good Queen Nicola looked down

On the poor and needy,

Said " I really just don't care

I like being greedy."

Landlords are my new best friends

I give them lots of money

Then I watch them push up rents

Don't you think that’s fu- ah - nee. (funny)

Now one just for Winston, Chris and David

to the Tune of We Three Kings…1,2,3…

We three kings of parliament are

Having drinks in Bellamy’s bar

We don’t like the poor and needy

That’s just who we are .

Oh ..

Cut the taxes she’ll be right

That’s the mantra of the right

One of these days I’ll be a Knight

(Seymour on his own)

Or a ballroom dancing star.

And lastly, to the tune of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Have yourself a Coalition Christmas,

Let your belt be tight.

All your money woes will soon be out of sight

Verse 2

Have yourself a Coalition Christmas,

Try and not to be sad

Even though the outlook’s really pretty bad

‘Cos

Refrain

Here we are as in olden days, happy Luxon days of yore

Back on Track, we’ve got the knack- of keeping down the poor.

Verse 3

So have yourself a Coalition Christmas,

Make the yuletide pay

From now on your troubles will be miles away

So have yourself a Coalition Christmas , next Australia Day!

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